Thursday, June 23, 2011

and yet i struggle...


i need to do more "happy" posts. it's just that when things get rough or stressful for me, i need to vent somewhere. (lucky you!) and when things look up and are awesome, i'm so caught up in enjoying it that i don't blog about it. doesn't make for a positive looking blog... :/

i promise this will end on a happier note. :)

but right now i feel like i'm struggling.

and i don't want to burden anyone with my personal issues (my hubs has issues with people knowing about his/my/our issues) so i'll keep it as vague-ish as i can.

if you've known me for a while, you might know that i've struggled before. for nearly a year. and then things got better. a lot better. and since then i've been really good. i'm a very blessed woman in family, friends and circumstance. we're by no means "in the money" but we make do with what we have and we're happy. anyway, i'm a little bit frustrated that going thru that period of struggle and being in a good place for so long since, that i feel like i'm getting back to the same point of struggle. in a way.

the vague-ness is making this confusing, huh? sorry.

i guess i just KNOW so many things, BELIEVE with my WHOLE HEART so many things, and feeling like i need a break from it all feels so wrong. i KNOW what i should/need to be doing. i KNOW i'm blessed even more for doing these things. right now it feels like such a burden tho. it feels really heavy. the tug-of-war going on in my head and my heart is difficult emotionally, spiritually, and physically. perhaps and underlying reason i've been so cranky lately??

i'm almost certain this isn't making sense to a lot of you. again, sorry.

i feel like i'm a (pre) teenager right now, not being able to "learn from my mistakes" but for my own sanity, it feels like a necessity. like if i don't do something, change something i'm quite literally going to lose it. i've felt so out of control of my life/emotions lately. not something i'm enjoying. nor is my family, and i know they're feeling it on one level or another.

i feel like i'm pretty good at letting things go, roll off my shoulder. i'm usually very positive, glass is half full, give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt so when i get to this point, it's because i'm at the end of my rope. i was on the phone with my mom the other day when i was having such a hard time with my kids and she said to me, "it sounds like you're at the end of your rope." to which i replied, "i am. i definitely am." "well," she said, "tie a knot and hold on, sis."

and that's where i've been (figuratively) hanging out for a little while now. at the bottom of my rope. trying desperately to figure out where to find the strength to start making my way back up to the top. and at the same time, it almost feels unfair for me to be here. unfair to my kids, who are just being kids, who love me even when i'm yelling and constantly say "NO". unfair to my hubs who works so hard doing mostly physical labor outside all day, being the only one making money for our family, dealing with my emotional roller coaster ups and downs, loving me more than i often deserve. unfair to my Savior who watches me make so. many. mistakes. and yet is willing to forgive me, who waits with open arms for me to wise up and figure myself out, who died for me and paid for my sins with his own blood.

what to do, what to do. so far i'm still hanging here. trying to not give up completely and fall off my rope down to who knows where. counting my blessings. making memories with my kiddos. planning time alone with my hubs to rekindle our love for one another.

any suggestions? advice? reprimands? i'm open to them all. :)

on the positive side of things... some of my blessings include:

*hubs - amazingly hard working, incredibly loyal, devastatingly handsome, best. daddy. ever!
*kiddos - their laughter, smiles, "loves", hugs, when they play together, the little things they do to make me happy, "i love you mommy"
*friends that are there thru thick and thin, help without being asked, love my kiddos, listen when i need to vent, get hubs in a better mood for me, that are always up to do something we want to try
*living in a house right next door to my father-in-law! and kitty-corner on the backside to our best friends! (best friends and FIL share a back yard fence)
*friends that love me no matter what! and support me 100%
*family that does those same things :)
*knowing that we are an eternal family beyond this mortal life
*planning mookie's birthday party (this saturday) and having fun with our family and friends
*my flat iron that keeps my bad haircut in check until it grows out and i can wear it curly
*lots of fingernail polish for my ever changing mind :)
*having a vehicle that is paid off (yay for no car payment!)
*summer weather so i can open the curtains and windows all day!
*the peonies growing in the back yard - LOVE them!

just to name a few. :)


Mistakenly Misunderstood said...

Suggestion: That list you just made, read it over and over through out the day when your feeling down to remind you of all the good things! Maybe even try to add one more thing a day/week?


Leslie said...

i was thinking along those same lines after i posted this! :) i have a couple of magnet boards hanging around that i might just paint with chalkboard paint and hang so i can add to the list and see it every day. :) and let others add to it too! :) thanks Steph!

abby said...

hang in there les. life is hard. sometimes i can't believe how hard it is. my advice is to decide what is most important to you and never let go of it. it also helps me to keep the eternal perspective, as in, ok most of these things that are stressing me out are just crap and not important in the least!

Betsy Lee said...

I'm not sure what you're referring to in your struggles, but my suggestion would be to start with the Sunday School answers; pray and read your scriptures. It seems so simple, but it gives me strength. Even if I can't tell right away, I can always look back and notice how much easier the times are when I'm using that in my life. Peace comes easier, patience is easier to find, and confusion and anger take a back seat. There are many times when I feel like I'm treading water or even drowning, and I try different things to get back on top again like going on more dates, finding more hobbies, looking for answers on the internet... but those are just distractions. They don't help long term. It's only when I'm focusing on the important things (sunday school answers, being involved with kid's play, serving) that I really feel boosted and on top of things.

That's been my experience, anyways.

Leslie said...

thank you ladies!! see? i told you i was blessed with great friends! :)

and really, i felt a lot better after writing this post. sometimes i just need a place to put down my thoughts.

i thought about erasing it, but figured, it's part of life. struggles that is. and rather than delete it and pretend it never happened, i'll leave it so i can refer back if i need it again. or maybe someone else will find it helpful in some way. don't know, but i really appreciate the support and love!! :)

i'm a LOT better now. :) love you all!!

Jeanette said...

I'm glad you didn't erase it. Your thoughts are similar to others out there; yet they can never voice them. And you've provided some therapy for yourself by sharing. I admire you more now than ever, and since I already am in awe of you....