i need to do more "happy" posts. it's just that when things get rough or stressful for me, i need to vent somewhere. (lucky you!) and when things look up and are awesome, i'm so caught up in enjoying it that i don't blog about it. doesn't make for a positive looking blog... :/
i promise this will end on a happier note. :)
but right now i feel like i'm struggling.
and i don't want to burden anyone with my personal issues (my hubs has issues with people knowing about his/my/our issues) so i'll keep it as vague-ish as i can.
if you've known me for a while, you might know that i've struggled before. for nearly a year. and then things got better. a lot better. and since then i've been really good. i'm a very blessed woman in family, friends and circumstance. we're by no means "in the money" but we make do with what we have and we're happy. anyway, i'm a little bit frustrated that going thru that period of struggle and being in a good place for so long since, that i feel like i'm getting back to the same point of struggle. in a way.
the vague-ness is making this confusing, huh? sorry.
i guess i just KNOW so many things, BELIEVE with my WHOLE HEART so many things, and feeling like i need a break from it all feels so wrong. i KNOW what i should/need to be doing. i KNOW i'm blessed even more for doing these things. right now it feels like such a burden tho. it feels really heavy. the tug-of-war going on in my head and my heart is difficult emotionally, spiritually, and physically. perhaps and underlying reason i've been so cranky lately??
i'm almost certain this isn't making sense to a lot of you. again, sorry.
i feel like i'm a (pre) teenager right now, not being able to "learn from my mistakes" but for my own sanity, it feels like a necessity. like if i don't do something, change something i'm quite literally going to lose it. i've felt so out of control of my life/emotions lately. not something i'm enjoying. nor is my family, and i know they're feeling it on one level or another.
i feel like i'm pretty good at letting things go, roll off my shoulder. i'm usually very positive, glass is half full, give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt so when i get to this point, it's because i'm at the end of my rope. i was on the phone with my mom the other day when i was having such a hard time with my kids and she said to me, "it sounds like you're at the end of your rope." to which i replied, "i am. i definitely am." "well," she said, "tie a knot and hold on, sis."
and that's where i've been (figuratively) hanging out for a little while now. at the bottom of my rope. trying desperately to figure out where to find the strength to start making my way back up to the top. and at the same time, it almost feels unfair for me to be here. unfair to my kids, who are just being kids, who love me even when i'm yelling and constantly say "NO". unfair to my hubs who works so hard doing mostly physical labor outside all day, being the only one making money for our family, dealing with my emotional roller coaster ups and downs, loving me more than i often deserve. unfair to my Savior who watches me make so. many. mistakes. and yet is willing to forgive me, who waits with open arms for me to wise up and figure myself out, who died for me and paid for my sins with his own blood.
what to do, what to do. so far i'm still hanging here. trying to not give up completely and fall off my rope down to who knows where. counting my blessings. making memories with my kiddos. planning time alone with my hubs to rekindle our love for one another.
any suggestions? advice? reprimands? i'm open to them all. :)
on the positive side of things... some of my blessings include:
*hubs - amazingly hard working, incredibly loyal, devastatingly handsome, best. daddy. ever!
*kiddos - their laughter, smiles, "loves", hugs, when they play together, the little things they do to make me happy, "i love you mommy"
*friends that are there thru thick and thin, help without being asked, love my kiddos, listen when i need to vent, get hubs in a better mood for me, that are always up to do something we want to try
*living in a house right next door to my father-in-law! and kitty-corner on the backside to our best friends! (best friends and FIL share a back yard fence)
*friends that love me no matter what! and support me 100%
*family that does those same things :)
*knowing that we are an eternal family beyond this mortal life
*planning mookie's birthday party (this saturday) and having fun with our family and friends
*my flat iron that keeps my bad haircut in check until it grows out and i can wear it curly
*lots of fingernail polish for my ever changing mind :)
*having a vehicle that is paid off (yay for no car payment!)
*summer weather so i can open the curtains and windows all day!
*the peonies growing in the back yard - LOVE them!
just to name a few. :)