Thursday, June 23, 2011

and yet i struggle...


i need to do more "happy" posts. it's just that when things get rough or stressful for me, i need to vent somewhere. (lucky you!) and when things look up and are awesome, i'm so caught up in enjoying it that i don't blog about it. doesn't make for a positive looking blog... :/

i promise this will end on a happier note. :)

but right now i feel like i'm struggling.

and i don't want to burden anyone with my personal issues (my hubs has issues with people knowing about his/my/our issues) so i'll keep it as vague-ish as i can.

if you've known me for a while, you might know that i've struggled before. for nearly a year. and then things got better. a lot better. and since then i've been really good. i'm a very blessed woman in family, friends and circumstance. we're by no means "in the money" but we make do with what we have and we're happy. anyway, i'm a little bit frustrated that going thru that period of struggle and being in a good place for so long since, that i feel like i'm getting back to the same point of struggle. in a way.

the vague-ness is making this confusing, huh? sorry.

i guess i just KNOW so many things, BELIEVE with my WHOLE HEART so many things, and feeling like i need a break from it all feels so wrong. i KNOW what i should/need to be doing. i KNOW i'm blessed even more for doing these things. right now it feels like such a burden tho. it feels really heavy. the tug-of-war going on in my head and my heart is difficult emotionally, spiritually, and physically. perhaps and underlying reason i've been so cranky lately??

i'm almost certain this isn't making sense to a lot of you. again, sorry.

i feel like i'm a (pre) teenager right now, not being able to "learn from my mistakes" but for my own sanity, it feels like a necessity. like if i don't do something, change something i'm quite literally going to lose it. i've felt so out of control of my life/emotions lately. not something i'm enjoying. nor is my family, and i know they're feeling it on one level or another.

i feel like i'm pretty good at letting things go, roll off my shoulder. i'm usually very positive, glass is half full, give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt so when i get to this point, it's because i'm at the end of my rope. i was on the phone with my mom the other day when i was having such a hard time with my kids and she said to me, "it sounds like you're at the end of your rope." to which i replied, "i am. i definitely am." "well," she said, "tie a knot and hold on, sis."

and that's where i've been (figuratively) hanging out for a little while now. at the bottom of my rope. trying desperately to figure out where to find the strength to start making my way back up to the top. and at the same time, it almost feels unfair for me to be here. unfair to my kids, who are just being kids, who love me even when i'm yelling and constantly say "NO". unfair to my hubs who works so hard doing mostly physical labor outside all day, being the only one making money for our family, dealing with my emotional roller coaster ups and downs, loving me more than i often deserve. unfair to my Savior who watches me make so. many. mistakes. and yet is willing to forgive me, who waits with open arms for me to wise up and figure myself out, who died for me and paid for my sins with his own blood.

what to do, what to do. so far i'm still hanging here. trying to not give up completely and fall off my rope down to who knows where. counting my blessings. making memories with my kiddos. planning time alone with my hubs to rekindle our love for one another.

any suggestions? advice? reprimands? i'm open to them all. :)

on the positive side of things... some of my blessings include:

*hubs - amazingly hard working, incredibly loyal, devastatingly handsome, best. daddy. ever!
*kiddos - their laughter, smiles, "loves", hugs, when they play together, the little things they do to make me happy, "i love you mommy"
*friends that are there thru thick and thin, help without being asked, love my kiddos, listen when i need to vent, get hubs in a better mood for me, that are always up to do something we want to try
*living in a house right next door to my father-in-law! and kitty-corner on the backside to our best friends! (best friends and FIL share a back yard fence)
*friends that love me no matter what! and support me 100%
*family that does those same things :)
*knowing that we are an eternal family beyond this mortal life
*planning mookie's birthday party (this saturday) and having fun with our family and friends
*my flat iron that keeps my bad haircut in check until it grows out and i can wear it curly
*lots of fingernail polish for my ever changing mind :)
*having a vehicle that is paid off (yay for no car payment!)
*summer weather so i can open the curtains and windows all day!
*the peonies growing in the back yard - LOVE them!

just to name a few. :)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"KIDS FOR SALE" (vent sesh)

i'm feeling really stressed and overwhelmed lately. and i think it's a lot of things just piling on top of each other that's making me so crazy. so please forgive me while i vent here for a minute. i try to realize that when i'm stressed or moody or just plain cranky, that there's usually a simple explanation behind it so i try to keep things in perspective that way. but recently, i just want to freak out about everything. EVERY. THING. and i know that i have things SO MUCH EASIER than a huge number of people in the world. i try to keep that in mind too.

so we just moved. not far, just across town and now we live right next door to hub's dad. (nicest, sweetest, most genuine man in the world) and the move went pretty smoothly considering that we found out on a Friday that we could move in the following Wednesday. so we packed, cleaned the house we moved to (that's a whole other post), moved our stuff to the garage and storage shed, waited for the carpet cleaners (yet another post), and finally got our things moved in (still in boxes) only to have to go back and clean our apartment for check out on wednesday. it was crazy and there is no way we could have done it without help from amazing friends and family. no way at all.

i like things to be organized. if i need something, i want to know that it's exactly where i think it should be. having everything in boxes and not remembering which box i put something in means that i have to open boxes and rifle through to see if it happens to be in that particular box. no? move on to the next box. and the next. and the next. until i have a dozen open boxes and crap everywhere. a rushed move didn't allow for very good labeling of contents in boxes.

hubs is still working during the day so i'm doing a lot of things with the 3 kids in tow while he's gone. stress. mookie still needs to nap, the girls still want to eat lunch when i could have gone without eating. number one was still in school when we moved so i had to stop to take/pick her up. the stop and go of the day didn't allow me to make very good progress in getting things sorted and put away.

add into all of this, the girls incredible lack of listening skills. any that they had previously, flew out the window and out of our lives. it still remains to be seen if they'll find more. this is where most of my stress lies. (among bills, boxes, and being a woman, etc) i just get so tired of being mad at them for doing things they KNOW they shouldn't be doing. things i've told them so. many. times. to not do. or the times that i have to repeatedly tell them to "knock it off" or "be quiet" or "put that away" i just want to scream! and i do. more than i'd like to admit. like they're testing EVERYTHING to my limits.

i want to do fun things with them. i want to have fun and take pictures and go to fun places. but when they're so naughty, why would you reward that?? yeah, it sucks for me, because not only are they getting punished but i am as well being stuck at home because i don't want to take them anywhere. they don't listen and don't listen and don't listen. so they spend a lot of time in their room these days. which is where they are now. they have no toys in there. not one. just their bed, a bucket of shoes and their closet. the barbie house, barbies, books, dress ups, toys - all in storage. and i want to give them back, but then they act all naughty again and it's easy to say "forget it"

i feel like i need a break. i love my kids. i truly do. they (and my hubs) are my life. without them i am not "me" but oh my goodness, it's a challenge! every. single. day. and maybe it's just because they're girls and so am i. maybe it's because number one is just like me. or that number two has a serious attitude issue. or that mookie is most definitely a momma's boy. or that they're ages almost 6, 4 and almost 1. i'm not sure. maybe it's me. whatever it is, i need to figure it out and find the balance. because i don't feel balanced. i feel chaotic and crazy and cranky and stressed and completely out of whack!

i need a break. and i want it for like a week. just me and my hubs, maybe some friends, but no kids. when i'm out without them, just running errands or whatever, i feel so much lighter. happier even. no worrying about who's touching what and where are they and who needs to go potty or needs a bottle. just me. when i get home, the heaviness sets in again and i'm instantly snappy and yelling about every little thing.

this is getting lengthy. sorry about that.

bottom line, i love my kids. but i'm feeling the stress of a bunch of stuff right now and am not myself. the shop will stay closed until i feel ready to re-open it. there are so many things i want to do and sew and i just don't have the time or patience to do them right now. i apologize for that. if you have any questions, please shoot me an email at ohlittlemookie(at)gmail(dot)com.

i sincerely apologize for those who are still waiting on things. i've just about got my work area set up and then i'll be sure to get things out to you.

thank you all for your time and patience while i find myself again!! :) loves to you all!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

before & after (tutorial coming soon)

i've been working on this for days, trying to finish it up so i could finish unpacking!! i forgot about the "before" picture until after my hubs had started disassembling it. my bad. the tutorial is coming soon when i have some more time to spend sitting rather than unpacking/reorganizing things. :/

i'll be back!! :)