Tuesday, June 26, 2012

recent self discoveries

life can be a tricky little devil, huh?  you think you know what you want, how you feel, who you are only to find that it's SO not the case!  and i suppose that can go both ways.  both for the good and for the bad.  fortunately for myself, it's been on the good half lately.

for a long time i've been trying to figure myself out.  what my personal style is, who i am on the inside (aside from mom, wife, church member, etc.), what i really like to do, and so on and so forth.  for most of my life up to this point, all i wanted to do is disappear into the crowd.  not to be noticed or singled out or put in the spotlight.  i wore whatever was safely trendy.  followed the rules because that's what was expected.  felt inadequate and unbeautiful around friends and strangers.  all of this hidden behind a safety wall, built sturdy and strong.  being shy, never speaking, trying to melt into the wall.

fast forward to this year... i'm trying to figure things out.  what i like to wear and giving it my own spin so it's not just like someone else.  running to try to lose my belly "pooch" and look more like the women i see at the pool.  wishing and hoping to someday get a boob job to balance out my body.  something i've wanted since i was 17 years old.  the list goes on and on.  i've always heard, "you are your own worst enemy" i heard all the talks growing up about loving yourself the way you are.  it was stamped in my mind, only i didn't really care.  all i ever saw were the things i felt were imperfect.  it is so hard to have, let alone keep, a good attitude when you have such a cruddy outlook on yourself.

 fast forward again to last week.  thursday was my Mookie's birthday!  our little man is 2 years old now.  not sure how that happens or what i did to deserve any of my 3 angels, but they're here and they're mine.  thursday was a day to have fun together and not think about working or cleaning or cell phones or facebook.  just play.  together.  so we headed to the pool and i felt brave (feeling like i was having a skinny day) so i wore my 2 piece bikini.  not a two-piece tankini, which i also have, but the kind that shows your entire midriff.  i bought it right before we found out i was pregnant with our Little Turkey, baby #2.  magically, i still fit in the top, small tatas and all.  the bottoms are a different story, but that's beside the point.  i wore it (and a better coverage bottom) and went to the pool.

 this is where my string of AH HA! moments started.  looking around, there are a lot of different body shapes, sizes, ages, pregnant or not at the pool.  and there's an equal variety of apparent comfort levels between people and their bodies.  that's not to say i they would walk around in their swim wear at home or to the store, but at the pool, what they choose, i'm guessing they're comfortable with on some level.  i didn't sit back and think, "wow, at least i don't look like THAT!"  it was more along the lines of realizing how my body is different from theirs and if they can be comfortable, then i could too.  i realized that i am much too hard on myself.  more than i ever knew.  and suddenly, in that moment of realization, i felt happier.  letting go of so much comparison and bad self talk was freeing!


i still have work to do in that department.  it's something to be aware of every single day, but i'm happy to have made such a big step in the right direction.

the next AH HA! moment came on Friday while i was cleaning and getting ready for Mookie's birthday party on Saturday.  i randomly had a magazine in the house (not mine) that i idly flipped through when i was taking a break from the never ending dishes.  articles about fun nail polish colors, summer clothing trends, ways to keep yourself happy - all of them hitting home with me.  big time.

 trying to find my personal style has been a big hurdle for me.  i'm finally feeling like i don't need to be a wallflower wherever i go, although it's still a safe zone for me.  i WANT to stand out a little teensy bit without looking "odd."  so i started wearing fun, bright colors in small portions.  tights, jewelry, shoes (which were already in my everyday wear) a cardigan, fun patterned shirts, skinnies and high tops (a BIG step out of the box for me) -- nothing that changed ME completely, but giving just a little glimpse into how i feel on the inside.  in my quest, i started to feel intruded on.  people doing what i felt was the "same thing" and then suddenly i don't feel like it's ME anymore.  i realize no one person can OWN a style.  i'm sure there are plenty of people out in the world doing exactly what i'm doing.  and yet somehow, it felt like an attack on the me i was trying so hard to find.  my enlightenment came when i realized i could wear the same thing and rock it MY OWN way and have it look totally different.  AH HA!!

 THEN, i figured out that i really am comfortable with my body.  more specifically, my ta-ta's.  they've stayed pretty much the same size despite having children because i'm nursing impaired.  i can be pregnant and have a baby, no problem.  but i cannot produce anything to nurse.  i'm just not built for it.  for that reason, i'm still in pretty good shape up there.  and i'm pretty happy with them i realize.  it would be easier and cheaper to get the rest of my body toned the way i'd like rather than get them done.  i think i've just said for so long that I AM GOING TO GET BOOBS that i felt i needed to get them.  there are so many things i've said i would do and then didn't that i was tired of it.  but i guess that's all changing cause now i don't feel like i need them. maybe don't even want them.  this is HUGE for me.  seventeen years is a long time to want, think about, say you're going to get, etc to all of a sudden do a 180 on.  and yet here i am, and i'm actually happy about it!


i'm finding it to be kind of amazing the difference i see in myself since this past weekend.  i mean, aside from Mother Nature wreaking havoc on my mood, i'm feeling better than i have in literally years.  i know everyone has bad days when nothing is going to bring you up out of your bad self talk, but it will get better!  i promise! you just need to change your thoughts and the results will follow in the same manner!  i'm no doctor.  not even close.  but i truly believe that when you think positive thoughts, you will get positive results.  and the same to be true of the opposite.  negative thoughts will bring negative results.  i truly hope everyone can find just one thing that they love about themselves and focus on that until you can open up to another and then focus on both.  keeping doing that and you'll find yourself loving so very many things about YOU.  maybe more than you even thought possible.

 finding out new things about myself has been a really great experience.  something that happened out of the blue and yet i feel like it came at just the right time.  i hope something in here has helped you or if you have advice, please, please share!!

x's and o's, friends!!  :)


Anonymous said...

Oh you're so wonderful...and your body is beautiful!

I felt the same way forever about my "ladies", my problem was they kept getting smaller after each kid! They tapered out in the end, but I'm happy, hubby's happy...and really that's all that matters.

I honestly look at ladies with a heavy top shelf and think of how hard that must be on their back, how many guys stare at them, and how uncomfortable it is, not to even mention the nightmare of finding good bras and clothes that fit right.

I love reading your posts, you're honest, and really amazing, and very inspiring!

Kimmy said...

I think finding yourself as a woman, outside of being a mother, sister, wife, whatever, but being YOU is the absolute hardest thing for any woman. Being comfortable in your own skin has been talked to death in pretty much every magazine and talk show, yet you've just hit the honest truth right on the head - it all has to do with your own thinking, your own positive or negative thoughts. The older my kids get the more important I think it is to make sure myself doesn't get lost in everything else and it really is a moment to moment thing to make sure I catch the bad thoughts before things spiral out of control - something I'm definitely still working on. Good luck!! It's so important to recognize these Ah-ha moments!
I'm guessing if you did get a boob job, you wouldn't jump to a DD or E, but if you did, just know you can't find comfortable bras ANYWHERE :)

Aimee said...

I had the same ephiny about a month ago and wanted to post then didn't then beat myself up about not doing it, then one of those bad self doubt days came....so.....I couldn't have said it beautifully like you did and I obviously didn't come to the same great conclusion. Thank you so much!